Stage Deportment Offenses

From the New York City Opera Stage Deportment Police
© 1991, The Boys in the Back Row

Used without permission, but they'd probably give it if we asked them.)

All fines are to be paid to the AGMA Arizona Local A-440 Secretary/Treasurer,
for use by the widows and orphans relief fund. Repeated violations or failure
to pay fines may result in your being shunned.


Offense Fine
Basic Offenses
Sleeepwalking$25
Overacting$20
Pushing your way to center stage$50
Annoying mannerisms$75
Zoning out$15
Waiting for a bus$25
Tasteless Improvisations$95
Ungodly noises (non-musical)$300
Makeup - invisible$35
Makeup - grotesque$75
Late stage entrance$45
Unscheduled stage entrance or exit$75
Criminal halitosis/odors$100
Restaging yourself at colleagues' expense$45
Unbridled PMS/distemper$65
General Choreographic Offenses
Wathcing your feet$50
Tripping over your own feet$75
Watching colleagues' feet$100
Tripping over colleagues' feet$150
Standing on colleague's train$50
Assault with props$90
Uninvited directing$500
Scratching during a freeze$50
Falling asleep during a freeze$100
Farting during a freeze$250
Obscene use of kneepads$90
Using colleague as a prop$100
Staring and bobbing$50
Shaking from your own vibrato$50
Looking at conductor, shaking head$100
Offensive Gestures
Cloyingly precious$100
Undirected dementia$50
Faux-butch$20
Failing faux-butch when needed$90
General On-Stage Offenses
Doing staging from old production of opera$50
Doing staging from wrong opera$75
Shameless sucking up to principals$100
Shameless sucking up to staff$200
Mincing, lisping, or prancing$45
Lurching or lumbering$45
Volunteering yourself for staging$1
Volunteering colleague(s) for staging$900
Acting backstage$75
Hand signals as acting$20
Semaphore as acting$40
Telegraphy as acting$80
Blinking lights as acting$160
Aircraft landing signals as acting$320
Backstage references to "motivation"$90
Physically contorting form colleagues' singing$50
Performing while slightly intoxicated$50
Performing while massively intoxicated$100
Performing while comatose$200
Stealing scene with animal imitation$100
Stealing scene while unconscious$50
Mouthing the words to principal parts$75
Vocal Offenses
Obtrusive vocal technique$20
Unsuccessful pitch approximation$10
Any hint of countertenor singing$15
Snoring$20
Snoring while singing$50
Eerie vocal similarity to Elmer Fudd$25
Eerie vocal similarity to Bert Lahr$25
Eerie vocal similarity to Natural Disasters$25
Death screams (not in score)$50
Obstruction of diction$25
Ungodly noises (musical)$25
Failure to negotiate register breaks$15
Grotesque facial expressions while singing$30
Impersonating a Professional
Stupd questions$10
Really stupid questions$25
Really stupid questions which increase rehearsal length$300
Presumptuous First-Year Behavior
Musicology$25
Historical nit-picking$50
Use of tape recorder$20
Endless diction questions$100
Obtrusive foot-tapping$10
Univited conducting$15
General Toadying
Insane cackling at conductor's bad jokes$50
Unwarranted beatific smiling while singing$40
Conspicuous professional reading (e.g., Opera News)$35
Stultifyingly minute vocal technique questions$75
Conversing with conductor in language other than English$95
Conspicuous score marking$15
Violent nodding$25
Obvious, insipid score studying during breaks$50
Affected artfulness in rhythmic reading$60
Obsequiously erect posture$50
Warming up during rehearsal$35
Singing full voice in the front row$50
Raising hand after making mistake$40
References to obscure recordings/performances$90
Pretending to understand absurd metaphor$15
Actually understanding absurd metaphor$25
Annoying Behavior by Veterans
Singing high notes louder than possible$25
Holding same quarter note longer than everyone else$200
Failing to mark$30
Marking all but high notes$50
Singing unassigned solo parts (sotto voce)$25
Singing unassigned solo parts (fortissimo)$100
Obvious use of beverages for vocal purposes$75
Discussing vocal technique during rehearsal$100
Discussing vocal technique during breaks$500
Roadmapping: irrational$20
Roadmapping: random$30
Roadmapping: transsexual$50
Feigning European birth by "lapsing" into a foreign language$100
Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes$30
Bringing full (i.e., conductor's) score$25
Naming yourself after an opera$900
Criminal Bad Taste
Decomposing$25
Offensive fragrances$35
Selling Amway products$500
Absurd fashion statements$50
Having entirely too much fun$10
Coro interruptus$50


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